TO: Customer Service
Department of Child Assignment
Heaven
RE: Recent Purchases
Dear Sir,
This is the third letter I've written concerning my recent purchases of your product, and I have yet to recieve any satisfaction from your department. I find myself far from happy with my purchases, 4 units of your "Cute Little Baby" product (serial numbers 1292006, 0272008, 08292009, and 04222011). These products were marked as "precious, adorable, sweet, cuddly little babies" and sure, they lived up to your promises at the beginning. I read the warning labels about the side effects - "may include sleep deprivation, irritability, and lack of personallo bvgbftvb tgh nl time" - but I thought the benefits seemed to outweigh the risks, and they did...at first. However, I failed to notice the "fine print" clause which stated "warning - unit will most likely grow into loud, obnoxious, destrucive, screaming toddler!" I really think this warning ought to be written in giant letters and posted ALL OVER THE PACKAGING!
As you'll notice from my other letters, my attempts to return these purchases have been rejected. Apparently the fact that I feel you used FALSE ADVERTISING to get me to buy your product is insufficient to overcome your "No Returns or Exchanges" policy. I think I should at least be allowed to exchange them for a better-behaved model. I find your policy most inflexible and unhelpful.
At the very least, I feel I should be entitled to some sort of refund, as these products have become insatiable eating machines consuming every last resource I possess. They consume not only all of my food, but also every spare bit of my time, energy, sleep, health, personal grooming, and patience. I find your claim that these products are a "long-term investment" and "should start showing major returns in approximately 18 years" to be very unhelpful. I don't want to wait 18 years to see a return on my investment! I bought it hoping to be able to enjoy it NOW! Who thinks 18 years ahead, anyway?
Because of all these problems with your products, and the fact that your customer service representatives have been so unhelpful in dealing with them, I am writing to inform you that I will no longer be purchasing your...
What's that? You have a NEW model? Sweet smelling? Blue eyes? EXTRA-cuddly? Awwwww.....
Well...I suppose I could always use one more. Ok, you've got a deal!
Sincerely,
A Mother
Very clever announcement.....it seems to me that you have been doing such a great job dealing with these fine purchases that Someone thinks you should keep going!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat did they do now?
ReplyDeleteDear Customer Service, don't listen to her. Just keep 'em coming! Sincerely yours, Grammie
ReplyDelete