Customer Service

TO: Customer Service

Department of Child Assignment

Heaven

RE:  Recent Purchases

Dear Sir,

This is the third letter I've written concerning my recent purchases of your product, and I have yet to recieve any satisfaction from your department. I find myself far from happy with my purchases, 4 units of your "Cute Little Baby" product (serial numbers 1292006, 0272008, 08292009, and 04222011). These products were marked as "precious, adorable, sweet, cuddly little babies" and sure, they lived up to your promises at the beginning. I read the warning labels about the side effects - "may include sleep deprivation, irritability, and lack of personallo bvgbftvb tgh nl time" - but I thought the benefits seemed to outweigh the risks, and they did...at first. However, I failed to notice the "fine print" clause which stated "warning - unit will most likely grow into loud, obnoxious, destrucive, screaming toddler!" I really think this warning ought to be written in giant letters and posted ALL OVER THE PACKAGING! 

As you'll notice from my other letters, my attempts to return these purchases have been rejected. Apparently the fact that I feel you used FALSE ADVERTISING to get me to buy your product is insufficient to overcome your "No Returns or Exchanges" policy. I think I should at least be allowed to exchange them for a better-behaved model. I find your policy most inflexible and unhelpful. 

At the very least, I feel I should be entitled to some sort of refund, as these products have become insatiable eating machines consuming every last resource I possess. They consume not only all of my food, but also every spare bit of my time, energy, sleep, health, personal grooming, and patience. I find your claim that these products are a "long-term investment" and "should start showing major returns in approximately 18 years" to be very unhelpful. I don't want to wait 18 years to see a return on my investment! I bought it hoping to be able to enjoy it NOW! Who thinks 18 years ahead, anyway?

Because of all these problems with your products, and the fact that your customer service representatives have been so unhelpful in dealing with them, I am writing to inform you that I will no longer be purchasing your...

What's that? You have a NEW model? Sweet smelling? Blue eyes? EXTRA-cuddly? Awwwww.....

Well...I suppose I could always use one more. Ok, you've got a deal!

Sincerely,

A Mother

This is how I clean

Two hours ago, I decided I needed to send in the mortgage check, so I went to the kitchen counter in search of the checkbook. (Don't ask why it was on the kitchen counter - but I spotted it there several days ago.)

In the process of trying to find it, I noticed that there was a big pile of junk all over the counter, so I sorted through that and found some sewing supplies and some books that I needed to take back to the office.

In the process of putting those things away in the office, I realized that there was now room in the trashcan for the pile of things I was throwing away in my attempt to clean out the office, so I dragged the trashcan around and started throwing it away. Then I saw some trash outside in the yard and went to throw that away. Then I spotted some clothes that the kids had left outside that had gotten all muddy, so I took them into the laundry room to put them into the hamper to wash them.

Then I realized the laundry room floor was completely covered with dirty clothes, trash, and spilled oxi-clean powder, so I swept up all the trash and picked up the pile of clothes to wash. I had to switch over the laundry in order to put the dirty clothes in, so I carried the clean clothes into the living room to fold.

Then I remembered that I had been going to mop the laundry room floor, so I went to the kitchen to fill u p the bucket and realized that the sink was full of dirty dishes from lunch. I washed them and put them in the dishwasher and started it, then realized I hadn't picked anything out for dinner. I went to the freezer to look, only to discover that I had forgotten to tell Robert to buy any hamburger at the store....but that reminded me that I had remembered to buy lightbulbs.

So I went back to the laundry room to get the lightbulbs, noticing on the way that I still hadn't finished the laundry room floor, but I was focused on lightbulbs now, so I got my bulbs and went to the bathroom to replace the lightbulbs. Then I saw that Joseph had never finished cleaning the bathroom, so I called him and got him working on it again, showing him how to do it right. Replaced the lightbulb, which reminded me of two more lamps that needed replacing, so I went to do those. One of them worked but the other one didn't fit, so I went back to the laundry room to find the right size.

While I was reaching up into the cabinet I noticed that there was a big pile of fish supplies (HOW long ago did we throw away our fish tank?!) on top of the dryer, so I took those out to the trashcan to throw them away. While I was outside I went to check the mail, and that reminded me that I needed to send in the mortgage check. I went back in the house. The mortgage check is still sitting on the counter....

Don't judge. One day you will have a house and four small children and then you, too, will be crazy!

UPDATE: I finally mopped the laundry room floor. It is the only clean room in the house. "Clean" being hereto defined as "I mopped the floor."