What Women Fantasize About (G-rated)

Note - despite the title of this post, it doesn't contain inappropriate material. Or at least not much. ;-)

My husband asked me one day if women struggled with fantasizing about other men. I just laughed.
"Oh, honey," I said. "We fantasize about a lot of things...but men really aren't one of them."

One of the key differences between men and women that men will never understand. Men fantasize about women. Women fantasize about...having enough alone time to get done all the things we want? Maybe that sounds selfish. Maybe it is. Maybe we are selfish in our fantasies because that is the only time we can ever afford to be selfish - the rest of the time, we are too busy taking care of everyone else!

Here's a short list, by no mean comprehensive, of things women fantasize about:

-sitting on the couch, in a perfectly clean house (that someone else cleaned), sipping wine (or sparkling cider for teetotlaers like me) and watching Jane Austen and Elizabeth Gaskell movies

- eating magical chocolate that makes us thinner with each bite

- waking up in the morning looking like we just spent 3 hours getting ready, without actually having to spend the 3 hours

- going shopping by ourselves, without any kids, and coming home to happy children and dinner already cooked

- sitting in church with our husband and adorable, well-dressed, well-behaved children, who sit still and  quietly through the entire service

- bras that make us look good, but feel like we're wearing pajamas, and shoes that look like stilettos, but are as comfortable as bedroom slippers

- finding our favorite brand of clothing, in our size, marked 80% off

- fitting into last year's swimsuit (jeans are applicable too)

- taking a two hour bubble bath with a good book and NO interruptions

- a world where snakes and spiders do not exist

- having a bathroom all to ourselves, so we can scatter our makeup, curling irons, and hair products with impunity and never have to worry about whether the toilet seat is up

- painless childbirth (Hahahahaha! just the thought is hysterical!)

-getting 12 hours of sleep every night

- being served tea and scones from a beautiful china teapot at four o'clock each afternoon by our personal maid just like on Downton Abbey (possibly while watching Downton Abbey...)

- sometimes, I must confess, we fantasize about our husbands getting to experience our monthly periods or, even better, labor! That way they can understand what we go through and show much more gratitude for our forbearance as each month passes without an axe-murder occurring...

- and finally, one of my favorite fantasies, which crosses my mind nearly on a daily basis (including today), looks like this:

Le Sigh. Don't we all wish...

Okay, now pull your head down out of the clouds and go scrub something and find something about your actual life to be thankful for!

Then eat some chocolate and pretend it's magical chocolate that makes you thinner. You never know...it could happen....

Now, what about you, women everywhere? Anything you want to add to my list? (G-rated comments only please!)

A Momentous Occasion

My dear friends! Gather 'round, for I have momentous news! Rejoice with me upon this joyous day, for an event so singular, so rare has occurred, that I am sure you shall all be astounded.

{trumpet fanfare}

MY REFRIGERATOR IS CLEAN!

{applause mingled with shouts of delighted incredulity}

Thank ye, thank ye! It gladdens my heart that you share my joy. Now you may all return to your villages.

{Inaudible murmuring}

What's that, peasant? The microwave? You DARE to inquire about the state of the MICROWAVE??

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!!

{swish. thunk.}

Anyone else? No?

A pleasant day, then, good people.

This is how I clean

Two hours ago, I decided I needed to send in the mortgage check, so I went to the kitchen counter in search of the checkbook. (Don't ask why it was on the kitchen counter - but I spotted it there several days ago.)

In the process of trying to find it, I noticed that there was a big pile of junk all over the counter, so I sorted through that and found some sewing supplies and some books that I needed to take back to the office.

In the process of putting those things away in the office, I realized that there was now room in the trashcan for the pile of things I was throwing away in my attempt to clean out the office, so I dragged the trashcan around and started throwing it away. Then I saw some trash outside in the yard and went to throw that away. Then I spotted some clothes that the kids had left outside that had gotten all muddy, so I took them into the laundry room to put them into the hamper to wash them.

Then I realized the laundry room floor was completely covered with dirty clothes, trash, and spilled oxi-clean powder, so I swept up all the trash and picked up the pile of clothes to wash. I had to switch over the laundry in order to put the dirty clothes in, so I carried the clean clothes into the living room to fold.

Then I remembered that I had been going to mop the laundry room floor, so I went to the kitchen to fill u p the bucket and realized that the sink was full of dirty dishes from lunch. I washed them and put them in the dishwasher and started it, then realized I hadn't picked anything out for dinner. I went to the freezer to look, only to discover that I had forgotten to tell Robert to buy any hamburger at the store....but that reminded me that I had remembered to buy lightbulbs.

So I went back to the laundry room to get the lightbulbs, noticing on the way that I still hadn't finished the laundry room floor, but I was focused on lightbulbs now, so I got my bulbs and went to the bathroom to replace the lightbulbs. Then I saw that Joseph had never finished cleaning the bathroom, so I called him and got him working on it again, showing him how to do it right. Replaced the lightbulb, which reminded me of two more lamps that needed replacing, so I went to do those. One of them worked but the other one didn't fit, so I went back to the laundry room to find the right size.

While I was reaching up into the cabinet I noticed that there was a big pile of fish supplies (HOW long ago did we throw away our fish tank?!) on top of the dryer, so I took those out to the trashcan to throw them away. While I was outside I went to check the mail, and that reminded me that I needed to send in the mortgage check. I went back in the house. The mortgage check is still sitting on the counter....

Don't judge. One day you will have a house and four small children and then you, too, will be crazy!

UPDATE: I finally mopped the laundry room floor. It is the only clean room in the house. "Clean" being hereto defined as "I mopped the floor."

My new favorite verse

Monday is always a dreaded day in my house, not because of the return of school, but because of the mess. Despite having the better portion of the house all clean on Fridays, by Monday morning it is evident that we did not keep up with chores over the weekend. Usually we are too busy either doing house projects (and then not cleaning up from them) or running errands or going places or just sitting on the couch out of sheer exhaustion. This weekend was inlucded all of the above! Friday night my brother came over for dinner; Saturday we bought the materials to fix the shed, went shopping, and then saw my parents briefly on their way home from Austria; Sunday we went to church, drove up to Dixon's apple farm to buy apples, and took the boys to Awama. Needless to say, last night was the "exhaustion" phase!
So this morning, our house looks like this.

(oh, sorry, you couldn't see the picture? That's because my camera broke through sheer disgust when I snapped it...)
`
BUT last night I was reading in Proverbs (as a mom, I ALWAYS feel in need of wisdom!) and I came across Probers 14:4:

"Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much revenue comes by the strength of the ox."

Now, at face value this verse may not seem very relevent, but I will show you just how relevent it is to my life as a mom!

When someone builds a barn, they don't finish it and look back and say "wow. What a lovely barn! I think I won't put any animals in it because they will just mess it up!" That would be ridiculous. A barn is a tool - it has the important function of sheltering animals from the weather and predators so they can eat and sleep in safetly. Are barns usually spotless? Nope! Animals are pretty messy. But the farmer is concerned with how useful the animal is to him and how much wealth and food he can generate through raising them either for market or to work on his farm. Nobody wants a nice clean barn with no oxen in it!

Not to compare my children with animals, but I see the same principle can be applied in my own life. If I had no children, my house could be spotless. Robert and I used to be able to clean our entire apartment in one hour - and that was after neglecting it for a week! Having children definitely multiplies the mess by a LOT! And usually, they can mess it up faster than I can clean. They do outnumber me 4 to 1!

But the verse about the oxen made me realize that the clean house is only a means, not an end. It's not the goal. Raising my children to be godly men and women who serve the Lord with all their strength is the goal! I need to stop getting so caught up in seeing a clean house as the mark of success and be more concerned with their education, growth, and strength - both physical and spiritual. The verse says that oxen bring much "revenue" through their strength. The KJV uses the word "increase." Not that we are expecting our children to make money for us (although I do hope they take care of me in my old age!) but "increase" in a spiritual sense - that they "enlarge" the kingdom of God with their strength and their work.

Now, I am not trying to use this verse as an excuse not to clean my house! (although sometimes I wish...) I actually enjoy having a clean house, and I think it makes the home much more pleasant and relaxed when it is clean. And just as there is a health component to a farmer mucking out the oxen's stalls, there is definitely a health component of keeping your house reasonably clean too! But I have to remind myself that it is the means, not the end. It's a building to shelter and feed my children and keep them safe while raising them to do God's work. I must confesss that many times I have put them in front of a movie or send them to play in their rooms so I can get the cleaning done. At the end of the day, I have a clean house...but I have missed the most important part of spending time with my children. Yikes. So I have posted this verse on my fridge to remind myself not to resent the messiness or the children who made it, but to remember the goal.

And fortunately, despite the comparison, children are unlike oxen in that they can be trained to clean up some portion of their own mess!