{don't be a} Pushover

I have always been the type of person who avoids confrontation. Most oldest children are "Type A" personalities, and, while I may fit the "bossy older sister" profile in some categories, I am not a very confrontational person. When I get upset, I tend to internalize things and just "stew" over them without telling the person how I feel. And I think the older I get, the more hesitant I've become about sharing my true feelings with other people. There is a very small number of friends and family members I feel comfortable telling "what's what," but for the general population, I am a pushover. I have a terribly hard time saying no to people when they ask for favors, or telling them if their behavior is upsetting me. I like to be liked and I dislike having people angry at me. I tend to be overly apologetic, even if something wasn't my fault. But underneath the placid-seeming surface, it rankles.

I remember one time when I was a child, I was forced to apologize for something I did not do. It was my weekly piano lesson, and this week there was someplace important we had to be right after piano, so Mom impressed upon me "the moment your lesson is over, get your book and come straight out to the car - do not stop to talk to anyone or do anything else!" So, as soon as my lesson ended, I obediently grabbed my book and headed toward the door. As I was running out, the boy whose lesson followed mine was coming in the door. We were friends, so I said "Hi! And Bye!" in the same breath as I ran out the door - my attempt at being polite rather than just ignoring him. Unfortunately for me, his mom was with him, and she decided somehow to take offense at my terse greeting. She collared me, marched me out to the car where mom was waiting, and told the whole story of my supposed rudeness. (Please remember that this story is from my 8 year old point of view). I tried to explain that I just been trying to obey Mom, but in the end, my mom made me apologize to her for what she perceived as me being rude. Probably Mom made me say "I'm sorry if I offended you" or some such thing, but in my childish mind, I was being forced to apologize for obeying my mom and trying be polite. Twenty some odd years later, the memory still rankles. Pathetic, yes. Pathological inability to let things go - absolutely. Did it probably make up for all the things I got away with unpunished? Definitely. But still...the injustice of it all! Somehow the way I felt as an 8 year old, when I was forced to apologize simply because she was an adult, mirrors the same helpless feeling I have today when I am unable to tell people how upset or angry or hurt I really am.

Some unfortunate circumstances that happened to me this week have brought that feeling to the forefront. I let certain people impose on me in ways that made me uncomfortable, and later on, I became quite angry about it. But I didn't tell them how I felt, and I probably won't. Partly because we are not close enough to have that kind of honest relationship, and partly because I am just a plain old coward about confrontation. My husband is quite the opposite. He never backs down from telling people what he thinks - except maybe certain clients who would fire him if he told them just how annoying they are. And granted, this level of honesty means he sometimes offends people and sometimes puts his foot in his mouth. But nobody could ever accuse him of being a coward.

It got me wondering about which response is right. "Turn the other cheek?" "Speak the truth in love?" "Don't cast your pearls before swine?" Jesus always spoke the truth in love. But he also remained silent when he was interrogated and it served no purpose for him to argue with someone He knew wouldn't listen anyway.

I guess I need to find a way to speak honestly, loving to the people in my life. But also, to bear with them and forgive them, not holding a grudge, even if nothing changes.

What about you? Are you pushy? Or a pushover? Which personality type do you think is best?